Pain
by Kai Saitou
Summary: My epiphany came over time, but it was the ultimate truth in my understanding of emotions. -Kairicentric-


Emotions: these are things I only thought I understood. It is amazing to think they kept their true nature concealed from me. The slap in the face that comes when you realize everything you thought you knew about emotion was really wrong in the first place is….shocking…to say the least. Once I realized that emotions were essentially a lie, a theory formed in my head.

_All emotions are an illusion and a lie and they all have one root source_

Sadness was the first mendacious emotion I discovered. All those times I thought I felt it when Riku made fun of me or when Sora played pranks on me were all fake manifestations of sadness. Looking back I realize how idiotic and naïve I was. My heart experienced true sadness for the first time when I stood on a sandy patch of beach that was gradually getting larger. I held onto Sora by only my fingertips, wishing…hoping…that destiny would not rip us apart once again.

His words came so fast, my roiling mind barely had time to register…my mouth moved without my consent, a statement that belied the bravery of my heart.

"I know you will…"

As Sora faded out of my sight into the newly created ocean, I stared at my fingertips and stroked them gingerly. It was the only thing he could reach, but he grasped them so tightly….and he spoke so surely about how we would see each other again, but it didn't change the fact that those cerulean eyes I knew so well were no longer looking back at me.

I dropped to my knees and began to sob.

_This isn't happening…this isn't happening!_

Sadness and a lonely pain overwhelmed me soon after that. Everything in my life had returned to normal, but the two most important people in the course of my existence were not there. My body was an empty shell of its former self without them. In the midst of all these happenings I had plenty of time to examine why exactly I missed…no ached for their presence. It was then that _**the**_ theory formed in my head, an idea so intriguing and unorthodox I just couldn't let it go.

_All emotions are an illusion and a lie and they all have one root source_

This idea wouldn't go away, no matter how hard I tried to come up with an alternate idea that made more sense. So I continued with what could barely resemble a life and lived without purpose. The same old monotony of going to school and spending time with Selphie….if only she knew how much I loathed trying to replace Sora and Riku with her.

Eventually though, the sadness passed, along with the theory when mysteriously slipped out of my mind, so with my memory of Sora wiped completely from memory my life took on a sense of normalcy. I actually began to enjoy the time I spent with Selphie and for the first time since I'd last seen Sora.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, as the hands of the clock turned and a year passed the memories began to return, slowly, but surely. Along with that maddening theory I had come up with so long ago.

As I once again was forced to contemplate that god forsaken theory for the second time, my suspicions about the true nature of emotions were once again rekindled….no….strengthened. Being locked away in that awful dungeon with nothing to keep me company but my thoughts was quite the frightening experience. I had no idea what the Organization wanted with me or why. Once the emotion known as fear manifested itself in my psyche I began to contemplate what I was truly afraid of. Oddly enough, it wasn't death or a crazy phobia…..no….it was………pain. The fact that Axel had mentioned Sora to me really tore me apart. I wanted so bad to know where he was and wondered if he was injured or completely fine. I remember drawing my knees in as close as I possibly could and crying, not wanting to feel emotional pain, but feeling every knockout blow that arose from even thinking about Sora. The physical pain that I thought I might endure at the hands of the Organization was nothing compared to the pain I was feeling while drawn within myself.

I distinctly remember my shocked gasp when I was in the dark realm with Namine after she broke me out of my cell. The answer to my puzzle was right in front of me, albeit I wasn't totally convinced, no, I needed more proof.

The final proof needed for me to believe my hypothesis about emotions was strangely the actual "emotion" known as happiness. Finally reunited with Sora and Riku on the island….no…our island…I felt true happiness. You might ask me if that blows a hole in my theory right there, saying that I felt "true happiness, but let's look at the facts. I will admit true happiness is a thing of beauty, but there is a dark side to happiness when it is reflected upon. You begin to think about how long it will actually last. I asked myself over and over while smiling big and hugging everyone on the beach.

_How long will it be before this happiness goes away?_

Sitting on the beach between my two best friends that night, I came up with an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for what seemed an eternity. As the setting sun cast its remaining light into the ocean waves, making them sparkle brilliantly, I closed my eyes……content with the only answer that made sense to me.

Pain is what makes me smile.

Pain is what makes me cry.

Pain is what scares me most.

Pain is what makes you seem near.

Pain is what makes me see what is important.

And what makes me unsure.

Pain is responsible for everything.

It is funny how one emotion is directly responsible….no…causes all emotions. If all hearts are destined to return to darkness and light is a lie…then all emotions are destined to be pain at their source and nothing else matters.

I opened my eyes, and was met with concerned stares on both sides of me. I grinned, easing their fears. I wrapped my arms around them both, satisfied with my epiphany.

* * *

I wrote this out of spite because Retribution is frustrating me. Hope everyone enjoyed it! RR please


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